How I took an arrow to the knee, but still remained an adventurer

I always feel bad for the guard in Whiterun, because I know the feel (although my mellon told me that in this case it meant that the guard got married. Err... let us stick with an actual arrow to the knee for the sake of this blogpost ^___^;;)

I was pondering a lot wether I should write this or not, because I was afraid if could come across sympathy-seeking, which it is absolutely not meant to be - I am actually already dreading the "I feel sorry for you" messages. Please don't. I know you probably mean well, but even after all these years, it seems I am still victim of my own pride - don't get me wrong, I appreciate compassion for the small dramas in life, but when something serious happens, I often mistake compassion for pity and pity is about the last thing I ever want. 

Now, why am I even writing this? Because I do think that when it comes down to it, there is quite a hope-message connected to this story -- if I manage to tell it the right way that is -- if this helps just one person going through similar, then this post has found it's purpose. 

 ~

On this day, exactly seven years ago, was the beginning of a chain of events that made me go through a complete change of lifestyle, mindset and attitude. It was quite the journey to overcome the sudden loss of what I thought was the purpose in my being, learn to give up what was my biggest dream and most importantly - keep walking on and not look back too much.

Today, I am at a point where I can look back, see the good and the bad that happened in a more calm, reasonable and positive way. And hopefully reclefting about it can spread some of the strengh I built up in the past years to those who are still struggling.

Learning to tape my knee was an important step for me to take! - sometimes I make it look a wee bit more epic thehe

It began with a fencing accident resulting in a dislocated knee, almost completely ripped ligaments and a partially scattered kneecap. I will spare you with exact details, but it was quite painful.
I had to spend the first night in the ER and had surgery the day after.
And this is where the trouble truly started.

Long story short, the surgery went wrong. Very wrong.

At this point I have to mention that I had started with competitive sports from a very young age and at the time of my accident, I was working on my qualification for the worldcup pre-tournaments in fencing  - in other words, I was in a way aspiring to become a professional sportswoman after school. Aside from fencing I also did horse-riding, martial arts, running, climbing, football and ballett. I was busy with training for a minimum of five hours daily, seven days a week. I was happy; and a break from all this was the last I needed at that moment. I was too young to understand, that maybe this forced pause was something very much needed to realize, that there is more than just one thing important in life. For me, my world broke down when I heard that it would take a year until I could pick up any form of training again.

2009: when the journey began...

The injury turned out to take unusually long to improve - in fact, it hardly improved at all. We did not yet know that it was because of what had gone wrong in the surgery room, and I guess neither did the hospital. By the end of the year, I still could not climb stairs without tearing up from the pain, let alone walk properly. I can say, that this was not a good year for me. Despite being a very positive person, I started to give up on myself, something I am not proud to admit. I just felt like nothing really mattered anymore, that I had to watch myself loosing hold of my future-plans - I did probably the worst one could do: stop living in the present and starting to dwell too much in the past and the future. I felt betrayed by my own body and all of this together started to darken my spirits a great deal.
When my hospital finally diagnosed, that there would be no cure, and I would be best advised to learn live with the pain and accept the fact, that I would never be able to sport or even run again, it did not destroy me, it somehow re-awoke my inner fighter.
And that was about time.

I suddenly realized how I had started to give up - me, someone, who fought tournaments with broken fingers, someone, who in sports never thought an obstacle too big, who always dared the impossible. It happened within a split-second in the doctor's office, where all these thoughts flashed through my mind like you see it in those cheesy movies when somebody dies. A part of me, and that I know, an anxious, pessimistic part, did die that very moment and I was able to connect this athlete kind of kind of "I am a champion. Nothing stands in my way."-mentality to my daily life and this particular problem in general.
The time of grief and self-piry was over, the time to stand and fight had begun.

It was quite the journey to make the hospital permit another MRI scan, and when it turned out that there was a forgotten bone-splinter of quite a fine size inside my knee, I snapped. If I ever wanted to have at least the slightest chance to play sports again, and this I knew, I had to leave this place and reach out to doctors myself.
With the support of my parents, I started to visit countless of professionals, all of them giving me similar diagnoses, some trying to persuade me into an artificial knee - I was about 18 at that time and I still refused to believe that those people could be right. After all, it was my body, a body that does not fit into a standard model and a body I lived in and that no one was to judge.

I never thought I would ever quit fencing. It was my greatest passion but it was not the same anymore after my injury.

When I finally found a surgeon, who discovered something, the others had missed, I agreed in putting my trust into his hands. This was, when the truth about the first procedure came out - there was so much fixing to be done, that it had to be open surgery. I did not care at all about the majestic scaring, all I saw was, that  the unbearable part of the pain was gone. Although not everything could be fixed as some damages by now had turned out to be permanent, I could pick up sports again, and that was al that mattered, even if it was at a different level than before. I was at a point, where I had to learn to let go of my dreams of becoming a successful athlete. I suffered greatly from this loss, and I allowed myself to feel and discover that grief. But with years of effort, self-reflection and understanding, I did let go and focused on something, that too was a great passion of mine, and where a knee injury was not limiting - art.

The knee used to be a sensitive topic for me and especially in moments, where I had to watch others doing what I would have loved doing, or even in moments, when someone would accuse me of using the knee as an excuse out of laziness, I had my toughest tests to face.
I spent a lot of time thinking about everything, meditating over it, if you will. I learnt to lower my pride and give up on most of my remaining highly competitive attitude, meaning; being less strict with myself, allowing and accepting weakness without feeling weak.
In a way, I have learnt to appreciate this chance to change and grow, but if I could wish for anything, it would be to have this knee heal. But what would life be without challenges?

I decided to be open for about anything to at least try if it could help me recover - giving up my vegetarian diet for over half a year to see if it affects my healing process positively, undergoing countless of therapies - not all of them pleasant, and above all else: stop seeing a non-successful therapy as a defeat, but as one thing to cross of the list of possibilities taken. I don't even remember, what it is like to play sports without experiencing pain, but maybe one day I will - maybe I won't, but I will be happy either way.

From 5 years ago after a "massage" therapy (weird angle, I know)

The hardest, and yet most important part, was to forgive the one, who did the main damage. I know, that if I had been brought to a different hospital, I could now be, where I had wanted to be and not be one of the victims of medical mistakes.
Letting go of the harsh feelings for the doctor, who in my opinion had ruined my life was hard, but with the understanding that my life was not ruined at all, just changed and challenged, it became easier to forgive. I am a firm believer, that love always is the strongest force and that the negative emotions we feel for others backlash right at us. Hatred leads to bitterness and I can feel that now, where I can in the most honest way say, that I understand, that it was a mistake, that he had probably not intended to cause my troubles and that I do not hold any grudge anymore, I am a happier person again.

A book/movie that has helped me a lot I recommend to anyone (will definitely make a sole post about this sometime soon!) and some of the things I always carry in my sportsbag:

Even though I did halfway dislocate my knee a second time two years ago in martial arts, I  am ever so faithful. I see and cherish positive improvements and I won't let it stop me from doing the things I love. Sometimes, this means to not do something "all in" (it clashes a little with my "Do it 100% or don't do it at all" policy, but if neither can make you happy, then you have to go for the middle-way).
I still sport almost daily, which also includes lots of boring gym-work for muscle growth in my leg, and little by little I recognize small victories - which make me more happy than any medal or title could have ever done.

There is always a path to walk, maybe it heads into a different direction, but after all, life is about flexibility, overcoming challenges instead of being crushed by them and becoming the best you can be. This also means to sometimes swallow your pride and hold back, when you need to rest. And most importantly: never lose faith in yourself.

The only thing, that is truly persistent in life, is change, and when we are ready to discover the unknown and dare the impossible, it makes living quite the adventure.

I used to be an adventurer just like you, and then I took an arrow to the knee.
But does this stop me from fighting dragons? Absolutely not.~